dust in the wind

my word seems to be the dust in the wind. You only heard it once or twice but you don't remember it.

mati lagi

kamu tahu rasanya mau mati. pertama-tama kamu akan melihat sesuatu tidak seperti apa yang orang lain lihat. malaikat pencabut nyawa mengarahkanmu tak jauh-jauh dari tempatmu mati. Maka penglihatan yang digunakan untuk melihat kesempatan sudah tidak ada lagi. Setiap ruas jalan yang kamu tuju sudah mengarah seperti yang ditentukan, walaupun kamu tidak sadar itu.

mati

tanah galian itu dalam sekali. hampir tidak ada bau-batuan tempat kakiku berpijak untuk mendaki. tapi aku terus berlari dan terpeleset. Sementara hamburan tanah dari atas itu terus memenuhi lahang itu, menguruk.

Kugunakan urukan tanah yang semakin meninggi itu untuk pijakan. Tapi malangnya, urukan itu terlalu empuk. Kakiku tembus masuk hingga sampai batas paha. Sudah. Sudah lelah aku berlari. apakah aku akan membiarkan diriku terkubur oleh ketakutanku sendiri?

mungkin saya sedang butuh lari jogging. sekali lagi kehilangan 'spine' ini terasa lagi. seperti tidak ada keinginan lagi untuk membuktikan bahwa saya bisa. sudah terlalu lelah mencoba. toh, mungkin bukan saya yang mereka butuhkan.

i think i'm losing the spine again...

When we're making music

let's turn on the metronome. 

No words but the beats, 

The void and the space, permitted

The touch and and the movement, intertwined, 

The breathing and the moans, tuned,    

The look and the emotion, hummed, 

The music is in the becoming, unstopped... 

kidnapping me tonight

this night we're sitting in the place where we met again at the first time. there's sort of feeling of wanting and resisting like the one who's having her first date, the feeling of knowing each other again, the feeling of taking everything worthwhile..., stares of a newlywed, you said... :)) love the new phrase!

the black hole

Akhirnya aku menemukan misteri, tapi anehnya tidak ada keinginan untuk membukanya. Hanya memasukinya sejauh apa yang aku bisa.

Itu membuatku belajar caranya menyalakan lentera, belajar memberanikan diri berjalan ke arah ketidaktahuan, belajar mencari jalan keluarnya, belajar membaca tanda-tanda dari raut wajahmu, belajar menemukan apa yang membuatku merasa bisa dari sebelumnya, tanpa harus bertanya dan memaksamu menjawab.

Biarkan saja misteri itu tak berbicara. Misteri bukan misteri lagi kalau sudah terungkap. Tidak akan semenarik dulu, tidak akan secantik pertama. Biarkan saja keberanian, lentera dan kompas kupegang erat-erat untuk menyusulmu.

Tidak perlu terpaksa berbicara, tidak perlu terpaksa menyenangkan, tidak perlu terpaksa untuk ada, tidak perlu terpaksa tersenyum, tidak perlu terpaksa mengungkap rahasia. Kalau tidak sampai pada ujungnya, bisa saja aku duduk atau kembali lagi sampai besok pagi saat hari terang.

You've got the best of both worlds

You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, 

And lift him back up again

You are strong but you're needy, 

Humble but you're greedy

And based on your body language, 

And shorty cursive I've been reading

Your style is quite selective, 

Though your mind is rather reckless

Well I guess it just suggests

That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is

It's like we're picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write

Kind of turn themselves into knives

And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction

But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear

'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice

Your comebacks they're quick

And probably have to do with your insecurities

There's no shame in being crazy

Depending on how you take these

Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is

It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say

Kind of turn themselves into blades

And kind and courteous is a life I've heard

But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear

Cause here we are, Here we are

Here we are 

We're still here

What a beautiful mess this is

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words, and priceless pictures

We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And times they turn, and hearts disfigure

But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts

But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

(Jason Mraz, beautiful mess)

you are my beautiful mess..:)

Maybe I should not give all I've got... Errgh..why is it hard to admit?

fluid like an ink poured in the water

Reading Coelho doesn't help me. Buying and storing too many books and enjoy every words from many authors doesn't take me anywhere. Quoting may lead everything wrong. Starting to look at my blank paper makes me afraid. Recalling and engaging with my past as the root of every thought depressing me. Maybe what Ketut said is right. I don't have to learn. People don't have to learn. He said this when he ticked the black ink to the canvas. I'm curious the way he ticked and swirled the brush like that, make a new line, add new form, unexplained form. How and where did he learn? A spontaneous feeling spread as it is, not to be trying hard to improve and set up the whole picture. Every journey must be so natural, you don't learn is learning, you don't read is reading, said he. I hesitated, waiting for me to digest all these bullshits. Should i believe in what he said. i don't have to. Never, since I don't always trust every voices I've been reading and listening. I was trying to make my mind and heart open to every possibility and now I'm too much intoxicated by the uncertainty.

If you want to learn, know what you need first. You can't just read something you don't need to read, otherwise words are poisonous. Every words you keep from the book makes your voice unheard, mute! Your ear is yearning to listen what people said and write, but not willing to listen to you. Then how can you trust yourself? To begin, everything must be started from the unknown like my stupid brush and stupid hand, here.... ! swoosh! swoosh! swoosh! The brush make lines in abruptly. We have to be silly and stupid, everybody who has read books still stupid! So what's the difference?

I started to take a new canvas and dip the bamboo stick into the bottle of ink. My hand trembled a bit but I had to start it. "Don't think!" he punched my back. The inked bamboo stick accidentally ticked the canvas. "Hahaha! Fix the mistake, now that is learning!"

I think no matter how I don't always agree with him, I'm glad to find him after all. No stranger except him since I was here, can push and criticize me like that.